Contentment & “The Midnight Library”
I’m currently reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. The premise of this delectable work is the infinite number of choices we could make, and the interminable number of possibilities for how our lives could be. For someone who has been feeling stuck in a rut like myself, this book feels like a breath of fresh air. I want to start with a quote that softened me when I read it:
““When you stay too long in a place, you forget just how big an expanse the world is. You get no sense of the length of those longitudes and latitudes. Just as, she supposed, it is hard to have a sense of the vastness inside any one person.” ”
It is easier to stay small and tell ourselves we aren’t [blank] enough, good enough, smart enough—you can fill in whatever holds true for you. In The Midnight Library, the main character Nora, struggling with depression, sees a handful of her life’s possibilities inside a kind of purgatory known as The Midnight Library.
I relate to Nora personally, I suspect more than many readers, but I think the fundamental question we all ask ourselves, “what if?”, whose partner is the shaming exclamation “I’m not enough”, is at the core of this book, this line of questioning completely interrogated, dismantled.
In many ways, I’m currently a resident of the same liminal space Nora occupies. I keep wondering if my decision to withdraw from grad school was the right one. Is this something I should regret? Am I even feeling my feelings properly? Perhaps, I should’ve gotten it over with—"toughed it out”. I heard at least a dozen people say I should go to grad school right away as to not lose momentum. But how true is that, really? Some mornings I wake up and wonder what my life would be like if I went to a different college, or hadn’t stayed in the Twin Cities afterward. What if I kept dating a condescending arsehole? Maybe I would be smaller, force myself to take up less space. Then again, maybe I would still leave, just on a different timeline. What if I didn’t come out as bi/pansexual? Would I have experienced the beauty of equal partnership? Ever felt like the complete version of myself? How would I cope if I didn’t get into therapy, or chose to stop going now? I could cancel tomorrow’s appointment at this very moment and book a plane ticket to Boston. I could quit my job and start over. But I’m not going to do any of that.
Nora’s experience, fictional as it is, has given me confidence in my decision-making because ultimately, none of her lives are better or worse than the others. I have an inkling that none of my potential selves are going to be better than any other possibilities of me, either. I will still experience pain and loss whether or not I acquire more degrees. I will still gain friendships and sever others whether or not I live close to home. I will have jobs I love and jobs I loathe whether or not I pivot in careerpath.
This is how life is, and I don’t want to keep believing that we are all suffering the consequences of our decisions. Instead, I am beginning to see our decisions as little gifts, slowly changing the structure of our futures. We should be gentle with ourselves and the choices we make. We don’t have to suffer any consequences when we believe and trust that we did what was right at the time. Sure, life might’ve been different, but it could have been different in a million ways and instead you are here with the ability to choose and keep choosing based on how you show up now. It’s life’s unrelenting open door, to keep deciding how to want to spend your time here.
What a thought experiment it is to imagine all the different lives we could have. I like to imagine that I am friends with Glennon Doyle in one of those lives. Maybe a college athlete or professional dancer in another. Somewhere out there I’m probably a ground-breaking microbiologist or a famous painter. But none of that matters to me. I’m not stifling my dreams or keeping myself from pursuing the things I love by saying this. I don’t feel a sense of loss, like I’ve missed out on any of those lives. Some days, I do feel disheartened by this though, and it’s for those days that I am writing this:
I don’t have to be everything I expected of myself in order to be fulfilled or satisfied. Each possibility is just an option, no one better or worse than the other. This life is going to be just as good, just as bad, and most importantly, just as whole as any. Existing as me in this life is enough, and it’s exhilarating to know I choose how I move forward. I can’t wait to meet myself at each shift and swivel.
If you are willing to share, I would love to hear what you think some of your other lives and potential selves are doing. Is there anything you regret? Is there something you can choose moving forward to honor yourself and those feelings? What are a few things you are grateful for in this life? What do you need as an individual to remind yourself that the present you is enough?
Thanks for reading, all. Much love,
K
