Loving People to Life
My life has always been defined by relationships. Since childhood, I sought relationship with the divine, with friends, and with lovers. I wanted closeness with all my family, and never wanted my bubble of protection to go away. I looked at my parents’ marriage and the life they built together, figuring I would have a story just like theirs. I loved Love. I loved the idea of what I thought Love was.
But, as we know, once you’re in your twenties, almost everything changes: how you look at the world, at others, and at yourself. I was home for break during college when I noticed a patch silver in my dad’s hair, a reminder my parents were aging with me; they aren’t eternal. I still forget that. The connection I shared with my brother felt more fragile, and I remembered he’s a whole person with his own worldview. I still forget this, too. I wanted anyone who shared romantic interest with me to be my soulmate, and I’d tell myself all the reasons they were, just to convince myself of security and certainty. In retrospect, I don’t think my lovers or myself deserved that kind of pressure.
The gift in all of this is that it was, and is, a liminal space where I learned loving someone to death isn’t what I want, nor is it feasible. It’s not aligned with the goals or desires I have for my life. Now, I think about loving people to life. It’s been a while since I first came across this idea, and I don’t remember where, but it’s stuck with me through many months.
How do we love?
Historically, my understanding of Love lay in loving someone to death. Love was all consuming, passionate, and smothering, strongly tied with the overwhelming chemical cocktail of love, yet removed from the action of loving whether the feeling is strong. Driven by emotion, my personal action, and the level of action I expected from others was shrunk. I didn’t expect what I deserved, and likely didn’t give what other’s deserved either. After all, what good thing is supposed to smother you?
Loving someone to life feels different. This perspective of loving focuses on action in order to foster the persisting feeling we know as Love. The imagery that comes to mind is brighter. Love is open, compassionate, and supportive, not quick to judge. It’s community building and allowing people the freedom to create their best selves. Loving someone to life also feels more trusting than loving someone to death. Life is necessitated by letting things come and go, knowing nothing is promised or permanent.
For someone like myself, who longs for security and control, this way of practicing Love has been a challenge. Truthfully it requires a level of vulnerability I thought I was allergic to. It feels awkward for me to admit when I’m wrong, apologize, and express my feelings before they are boiling and about to spill over, but I’m doing it. The more I move toward loving people to life, the healthier my relationships have become. Even better, my relationship with myself is reaching richer levels of honesty and self-compassion.
