The Absolute Myth of “Time Heals All”
Personally, in therapy, I am working to change some behavior and thought patterns I’ve identified which keep me in a state of suffering. Even with a set of loving parents and an overall happy childhood, there are still harmful nuances that my subconscious picked up and used to make the blueprint of how I would move through the world.
I bring this up because I believe that many of us, including myself, have experienced little-t traumas during childhood and adolescence that influence our behavior whether we are aware of it or not. This realization is uncomfortable to me, having only verbalized it yesterday. I told my therapist I feel duped by my own brain! It didn’t tell me who oversaw operations for 23 years, and now I’m trying to change how the entire circuitry is run? Damn.
Naturally, after my session I found a podcast that allowed me to keep the wheels turning and uncover more about why I am the way I am. Opening Spotify, I tapped my way to an episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty where he has a discussion with Dr. Gabor Maté, M.D. on understanding trauma and healing the resulting wounds. There were several interesting points that caught my attention, but what I found most intriguing was how Dr. Gabor Maté talked about the notion, and myth, of “time heals all”. Whether you were told this directly by loved ones or came across the quote on Tumblr during your emo middle school days, you’ve likely met this sentiment at some point in your life.
Jay enquires about a relationship between time and healing (9:10), to which Dr. Maté replies there is not really a relationship at all. NOT REALLY?
At this point my mind forms a picture of the stages of a healing wound, a process that is, on the surface, time driven. First there is the open wound, fresh flesh and bloody. Then the blood clots and a scab forms. Finally, the scab falls off, revealing scar tissue.
For emotional wounds and traumas, it’s more complicated. Dr. Gabor Maté points out “people can be cured from an ailment without becoming whole… and people sometimes become healed without being cured” (8:23). This feels right to me, an observation settled in truth. He goes on to say that “time maybe scars it over and makes it less available to immediate memory, but should something happen to evoke it, it’s going to show up in its full painful impact unless you do something to heal” (9:10). Once I hear this, I’m back to my mental image of a wound healing, which for emotional wounds as I understand them, now looks like this:
First, the open wound. Something about life crumbles or puts you through the ringer. Then the scab forms. This is a wall that blocks out anything that could do more damage. Maybe the wall is memory loss, dissociation, or distraction. After that, you’ve got scar tissue. For some reason that certain subject feels uncomfortable, it’s a trigger. All you know is it feels different than before but the wound is closed so it can’t impact you anymore.
But here’s the catch, scar tissue is different than unwounded skin. In a society that’s obsessed with time as money, and productivity, we love quick fixes. We like cures, not healing. The reality of scar tissue in the physical body is that it needs massaging and stretching to keep it healthy and promote healing. The scar as a cure is not enough to heal the wound and its collateral damages.
This is the same for emotional wounds. We are still functioning, but not to the whole of our potential. Stretching our metaphorical scar tissue is a slow, gentle process. Healing comes from our own volition. We must want it to happen. We must also know that though it takes time, it isn’t time doing the healing. So, let’s never say that “time heals all” again. Because not only is it a lie, but it takes our sovereignty away. We can all heal if we want to. No amount of time passed makes it silly to dive into something that hurts. If it hurts, it does so for a reason, and you deserve to relieve that pain.
Choosing to heal over finding a cure is brave. It’s an act of rebellion in this colonial-capitalist culture. I’ve been in therapy for seven years and I am just now cracking open some of the most uncomfortable truths about myself. There is a lot to unpack, personally and societally, and I want to heal. I haven’t regretted a single moment of my inner adventure.
Readers,
I hope you are discovering what healing looks like for you. May you know that time isn’t doing the work, you are. You are a sovereign, capable, being who is meant to feel whole, and worthy of taking time to do so.
