Thoughts for the Cold Seasons Ahead
Lo, why doth it get so
Bleak so soon?
This time last year, I had been living in a new apartment with my best friend for two months. I felt well-adjusted and joyful. I just landed a new job I was excited about, and honestly, I felt happier than ever. Until I didn’t.
My depression had been bubbling under the surface for quite some time, and I couldn’t find a single fuck to give anymore. I started looking for treatment programs, and to no one’s surprise, there was a 10+ week wait. At this point I was sick of doing over-the-phone screenings and reiterating every ounce of trauma I’d endured to a stranger. I got myself on a short notice call list, and the next week they called me on a Tuesday, and I started 2 days later in the beginning of June.
So, why am I writing about this?
Honestly, I’ve been worried about the upcoming winter and this past week was the first I noticed it was dark outside at 7PM. This fact is a reminder that time is going to pass, and the seasons are going to change whether or not I am ready for it. This year will not be defined by the last, but that doesn’t make it less scary. I am more prepared, equipped with new skills, and know what I need when every bone in my body wants to sink into my mattress.
To remind myself of the strength I found in myself during those 7 weeks of recovery, I am recording some of the most important realizations & skills I uncovered. I hope you as the reader will be reminded of the strength you harbor in yourself in your dark seasons too, no matter how they show up.
1. Mindfulness can be integrated into any activity. When I feel overwhelmed, I don’t have to make time for it, I just have to engage with whatever I am doing. Mindfully.
2. Confidence is built the more I do what’s hard for me. I hate cleaning, but when I do it in small bits, I feel more capable. Feeling more capable flips my self-perception for the better.
3. “What you practice grows stronger” in the brain and the body. So, what do I want to grow and practice right now? What do I need to do to make that happen? // I want to put my hands over my heart every morning and say “good morning, Kalie. I love you!”. I need to put my pride on the shelf. I’m stuck on shame for needing to do something so cheesy (a judgement), even when I know it has historically been helpful to me.
4. Taking time to challenge my thoughts and beliefs is worth doing. If there is no evidence to support my statement, then why on god’s green earth would I believe it?
5. Little Kalie lives in me. How would I talk to her? // Probably a lot nicer than how I talk to myself now. I keep a picture of myself from elementary school in my purse, and when I feel upset with myself or judgmental over something I did (or didn’t do), I look at her. Little Kalie was anxious out of her mind. She cried when the teacher called on her and wouldn’t ask to go to the bathroom for fear of missing out on any important information in class. She found mistake-making unacceptable. She had a few good friends and a couple bullies, too. Little Kalie liked to write stories, paint her nails, braid her hair, and experiment with fashion. She liked herself but felt insecure because other people seemed to think she was too much or too little. Little Kalie liked to dance and make silly videos with her friends. She liked daydreaming about the great love she would one day have in her life. She talked to plants and trees as friends. She believed she had magic inside her. // The way I talk to kids is so different than how I speak to myself in present day, which is why this is such a powerful exercise for me. When I talk to little Kalie, the kind, compassionate, and gentle voice comes naturally. It’s easier to talk kindly to another person, yet my subconscious knows the somebody is me.
This cold season I’m asking myself for evidence when I have a negative belief about my character. I am designating a place to put my phone when I write so I can be present with my work. I am doing my chores in small batches, consistently. I am holding Little Kalie extra close because I do, really, love her.
